On Joy and Sadness and Little Plastic Men

    


I live so much of my life in darkness that bright spots can seem exceptionally bright for a short time and like something I have to latch on to. As a kid I remember watching Star Trek in syndication in the afternoons with my father. Then in 1987 Star Trek: The Next Generation premiered.

    It was a whole new thing. A new ship. A new crew. New adventures to watch. For me though the standout character was Wesley Crusher. I know over the last thirty years people have had a lot of thoughts about Wesley and that "shut up Wesley" has become a meme. But to me, just starting school, Wesley was my hero. He seemed to be just a little bit older than me, he didn't quite fit in any where. He was like I felt.

    Much to my dismay when they released the action figures for the series a little while later there was no Wesley action figure. Picard was there,Worf and Riker. Even Yar. But no Wesley. Despite that, those action figures saw a lot of use, battling side by side with my GI Joes against Cobra Commander and Destro, Exploring strange new worlds on the living room carpet, on the couch, on my bed. 

    So here I am almost forty and I was on Amazon after Christmas and I see that Reaction has a Wesley Crusher action figure that kind of looks like the ones from when I was little. I clicked buy it now and began to anxiously await its arrival.

    Finally when it came, I tore open the box and held in my hand the Wesley Crusher Action figure that five year old me longed for. As I opened the packaging and held the figure in my hand I was suddenly five again. I held the action figure of my hero in my hand. And in that moment of joy all the sadness of being five came rushing back. The loneliness of not fitting in, not wanting to get on the bus every day, not talking to anyone at lunch. It was all there again.

    So in that moment I was feeling both joy and sadness. Stepping outside myself it was amazing that I could feel both intense feelings at the same time. The sadness was nearly overwhelming, I've tried to forget so much about my childhood but here it was rushing back. But at the same time I was happy. I still love Star Trek and now I get to share it with my kids. The old shows, the new shows, hell I yelled out loud when Wesley appeared in the second season of Star Trek: Picard. Maybe one day I'll share the action figure with them too. 

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