Swallowing My Anger or How I Learned Not to Turn Into A Giant Green Angry Guy (Please Don't Sue Me Marvel, I Have Nothing)

     Sometimes my depression goes sideways and becomes anger. It usually happens when I'm already in a depressive state and something triggers it. It can be a piece of bad luck, like a missed opportunity at work, an unexpected car repair or an unexpected home repair. Some other defeat, which my life seems to rife with and I become irate.

    I'm not in a huff. I'm not pissed off. I'm irate.I want to smash things. I want to punch holes in the wall. I want to yell at people for being stupid, and I can yell really loud thanks to the "yard voice" I developed working in a prison. I want to go berserk. 

    I sometimes joke that my life would be a lot simpler and both mentally and physically healthier if viking was still a viable career choice.

    Because you see, my own anger terrifies me. I'm a big dude I'm 6'8" and weigh nearly 400 pounds. Little bits of it have slipped out on rare occasions. I once smashed a bookcase I was working on into little splinters of wood. My 1960's state issue government desk has a few dents which is impressive if you have worked with a 1960's state issue government desk. 

    I'm terrified of my anger, as we all should be. Can you imagine what it would be like if I was raging somewhere in public? I don't need to hulk out, I'm already the hulk. No offense to any police officer who may be reading this, but I have no doubt I would be shot. To be honest I don't drive more than a mile or two over the speed limit because I don't want to get pulled over. I try to avoid contact with police in general. I don't need to be asked to get out of my car and have some jumpy little guy with twelve weeks of training pull a gun on me because he feels threatened just because I'm twice as big as him.

    So I don't get angry. I can't get angry. Every time I feel the anger coming I swallow it. I talk to my therapist and she says to vent in healthy ways. I still don't know what that is. I don't know how to let go with out letting go.

    So it all comes full circle. I swallow the anger that I feel when I'm depressed and it sits in my gut and becomes more depression because I don't know how to safely let it out. I know it would be better for me if I learned how to let things go, which is easy for people to say, but tougher in practice. I care about things. I care about my family and providing for them. I care, amazingly, about my job. So I take the losses personally.

       I don't really know where I'm going with this one. Maybe I just need to vent about a failing of mine? Maybe its to encourage you not to be like me? No one should be like me. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Maybe you can learn from my failings and be better than me.

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