I'm Back and So Are My Demons

 Its been  a while. No I didn't get better. In fact I got worse.

In July of last year I fell and fractured my elbow and did some nerve damage. It ended up sending me into a spiral of depression that lasted until very recently. I could barely use my arm. I couldn't pick up my children. I couldn't mow my own lawn.

In short I felt useless.

Ultimately I needed surgery to repair the arm which worked but I still couldn't pull myself out of this depressive episode. (Fun fact: Bipolar disorder is no guarantee of either range of emotions sometimes depressive episodes can last for months or years followed by a day or even less of  "up")

Finally after months of therapy and some changes to my medication plan I've started to pull out of it. I went to a friends house the other day and I actually, genuinely laughed. Not just the forced guffaw I give to pretend that I'm OK but a real chuckle.

Of course nothing can be simple. Right now is one of the most dangerous times for me. If I don't stay in the right mind set I can slip right back into it. Like an addict that relapses, a depressive episode can feel like a failure. I put in the time and the work and still, because my situation becomes shitty and some brain chemicals come out in the wrong amount and I'm depressed to the point that I become a burden to everyone, I fail at everything and death looks like a real good option to make it all stop hurting. I can barely go to work, I can barely get out of bed. Really only my responsibilities and obligations that I refuse to let slip get me going in the morning. Without them I would never leave the bed.

I have tactics to keep myself around. 

I got this tattoo a couple years ago to remind myself that my kids are the reason I am here. They are my anchor. They hold me here.

But anyway I try to keep going. I'm getting out of this. I'm doing my best to not think of it as a failure. If I do that it can become cyclical and I can be right back into the depressive episode.

So I'm sorry if I saw you in the last few months and I seemed off. It was just me trying to act like a real human being. Next time I might be an actual human being.

It will get better.


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