The Monsters That Live Inside Me
When I wrote the first post for this blog I was in a particularly good place. I have been scared since then to write again because I did not know how to write about the bad days. But I have started to feel that its disingenuous to only write about the good days. So buckle up and come with me as I try to describe what a bad day for me is like.
My anxiety and depression are two monsters that live inside me (hence the title.) No matter how much medicine I take or how much therapy I have the monsters are still there. The medicine helps to mitigate the symptoms and the therapy helps me to deal with the symptoms that do come in but nothing gets rid of the monsters.
They are always there. Looking for any opening they can to take hold and rip me apart from the inside out. The chest burster scene from alien seems apropos for the feeling.
About two weeks ago, after some time with only minimal symptoms, my monsters suddenly jumped up to the front of my consciousness and screamed "NOBODY LIKES YOU!!!!" But I was able to stop it from ruining my day. I recognized what was happening and I reached out to my closest support groups, my parents, my wife and two especially close friends who have been with me on my wild ride with mental health. They all responded in a matter of minutes and saved me.
Since then the monsters have been taking a more insidious route. One that I didn't recognize until today. I have been feeling less and less satisfied at work, both my real paying job and the work I do on the side. I feel like I'm failing. My performance at my paying job is not holding up to that of my predecessor and a passion project that I had spent, literally, years on was rejected by a publisher with a helpful note that implied I should give up writing. As a manager my staff is either leaving as quickly as they can or becoming disciplinary problems. People have tried to convince me I'm not but I truly feel like I'm failing.
At home I constantly worry that I'm failing as a husband and a parent. Am I spending enough time with my family? Am I spending to much time with my family? Am I doing the best I can to give them everything they need? Somehow the answer to all these questions is no. (Hey I never said the monsters were logical.)
I should have recognized the storm clouds gathering but I didn't and today the storm hit. And when these storms hit they come furious and fast. What set me off was my pay stub. I had worked a bunch of time in October knowing the money would catch up to me about this time of year, perfect for Christmas present shopping. I had plans for being able to buy really nice presents for my family and friends without getting into my regular too much. (That I could save for bills and such). Well when I unfolded the stub, the roughly $500 of overtime pay I was expecting was $8.71. It was a paperwork snafu and I will get the money eventually but probably not in time for Christmas.
This was lunch time. By 3:00 the monsters had convinced me that I was an utter failure. I wasnt making enough money to support my family (for the record my wife's salary far outstrips mine so this worry is complete nonsense.) I had ruined Christmas. By 4:00, after my last employee left for the day, I was in tears. I realized that everything I have accumulated in the course of my life, with the exception of some family heirlooms, was worthless. Nothing mattered. Whats worse is that even if I sold it all I'd probably only get about $10,000 which wouldn't even pay off a car much less support my family. I realized I'd have to get a job. I thought that I could get a job as a closer at a nearby convenience store which would probably allow me to have dinner with my kids between jobs and get two or three hours of sleep between jobs on the other side.
This made perfect sense to me. The monsters can be very convincing.
But they weren't done yet.
By the time I left for the day at 5:00 I was convinced that I was worthless and there was nothing that I could do to fix my life. I drove up up 9G hoping that a phone call or even a text would come in from someone that I loved but it didn't. I passed my usual turn and stayed on 9G. I was coming up on the Rip Van Winkle Bridge. 145 feet above the Hudson River. My god damn monsters were screaming at me to jump.
Suicide scares the hell out of me. In the heat of the moment it can seem like the best solution. I know its selfish, I know the pain I would leave behind me, but sometimes I just want to stop fighting, I want it all to stop hurting. I get so tired.
The tears were flowing again and all I could think about were my kids. I though about how the children of people who commit suicide are at least 50% more likely to commit suicide themselves. I couldn't do it. I was going to fight back against the monsters again.
I drove home. My family was waiting for me when I came in the door. I dropped to my knees and wrapped my beautiful wife and my beautiful children in a hug while they wrapped me in there arms. I was crying as hard as I've cried in years and apologizing for the incredibly stupid thing I almost did that would have hurt them forever.
Here's the kicker though. Its 7:30 now. I feel ok. I took a pill and did some meditation but most of all I just took in my family's love. It doesn't matter to them how many books I publish or how much money I make. Even if I made no money I know we would work as a team to get by. I have to remember that this is who I am, the man who loves them unconditionally and who is loved unconditionally by them. That's all that matters
That's the really scary thing about these monsters. They can come quick and strong and retreat just as fast. That's why you can find pictures of people who committed suicide taken just hours before they died where they are laughing and smiling. The monsters are just looking for an opening.
But anyway, fuck you, monsters who live inside my. My help, my team, my family they have my back even when they're not physically me. I've got a tiny wife who scares me when she's angry. My daughter is so smart that shes starting to be competitive when we watch jeopardy and a son who is a bull moose personified and has literally kicked down doors to smile at me. With that squad and a little help from me, these monsters inside me don't stand a fucking chance.
My anxiety and depression are two monsters that live inside me (hence the title.) No matter how much medicine I take or how much therapy I have the monsters are still there. The medicine helps to mitigate the symptoms and the therapy helps me to deal with the symptoms that do come in but nothing gets rid of the monsters.
They are always there. Looking for any opening they can to take hold and rip me apart from the inside out. The chest burster scene from alien seems apropos for the feeling.
About two weeks ago, after some time with only minimal symptoms, my monsters suddenly jumped up to the front of my consciousness and screamed "NOBODY LIKES YOU!!!!" But I was able to stop it from ruining my day. I recognized what was happening and I reached out to my closest support groups, my parents, my wife and two especially close friends who have been with me on my wild ride with mental health. They all responded in a matter of minutes and saved me.
Since then the monsters have been taking a more insidious route. One that I didn't recognize until today. I have been feeling less and less satisfied at work, both my real paying job and the work I do on the side. I feel like I'm failing. My performance at my paying job is not holding up to that of my predecessor and a passion project that I had spent, literally, years on was rejected by a publisher with a helpful note that implied I should give up writing. As a manager my staff is either leaving as quickly as they can or becoming disciplinary problems. People have tried to convince me I'm not but I truly feel like I'm failing.
At home I constantly worry that I'm failing as a husband and a parent. Am I spending enough time with my family? Am I spending to much time with my family? Am I doing the best I can to give them everything they need? Somehow the answer to all these questions is no. (Hey I never said the monsters were logical.)
I should have recognized the storm clouds gathering but I didn't and today the storm hit. And when these storms hit they come furious and fast. What set me off was my pay stub. I had worked a bunch of time in October knowing the money would catch up to me about this time of year, perfect for Christmas present shopping. I had plans for being able to buy really nice presents for my family and friends without getting into my regular too much. (That I could save for bills and such). Well when I unfolded the stub, the roughly $500 of overtime pay I was expecting was $8.71. It was a paperwork snafu and I will get the money eventually but probably not in time for Christmas.
This was lunch time. By 3:00 the monsters had convinced me that I was an utter failure. I wasnt making enough money to support my family (for the record my wife's salary far outstrips mine so this worry is complete nonsense.) I had ruined Christmas. By 4:00, after my last employee left for the day, I was in tears. I realized that everything I have accumulated in the course of my life, with the exception of some family heirlooms, was worthless. Nothing mattered. Whats worse is that even if I sold it all I'd probably only get about $10,000 which wouldn't even pay off a car much less support my family. I realized I'd have to get a job. I thought that I could get a job as a closer at a nearby convenience store which would probably allow me to have dinner with my kids between jobs and get two or three hours of sleep between jobs on the other side.
This made perfect sense to me. The monsters can be very convincing.
But they weren't done yet.
By the time I left for the day at 5:00 I was convinced that I was worthless and there was nothing that I could do to fix my life. I drove up up 9G hoping that a phone call or even a text would come in from someone that I loved but it didn't. I passed my usual turn and stayed on 9G. I was coming up on the Rip Van Winkle Bridge. 145 feet above the Hudson River. My god damn monsters were screaming at me to jump.
Suicide scares the hell out of me. In the heat of the moment it can seem like the best solution. I know its selfish, I know the pain I would leave behind me, but sometimes I just want to stop fighting, I want it all to stop hurting. I get so tired.
The tears were flowing again and all I could think about were my kids. I though about how the children of people who commit suicide are at least 50% more likely to commit suicide themselves. I couldn't do it. I was going to fight back against the monsters again.
I drove home. My family was waiting for me when I came in the door. I dropped to my knees and wrapped my beautiful wife and my beautiful children in a hug while they wrapped me in there arms. I was crying as hard as I've cried in years and apologizing for the incredibly stupid thing I almost did that would have hurt them forever.
Here's the kicker though. Its 7:30 now. I feel ok. I took a pill and did some meditation but most of all I just took in my family's love. It doesn't matter to them how many books I publish or how much money I make. Even if I made no money I know we would work as a team to get by. I have to remember that this is who I am, the man who loves them unconditionally and who is loved unconditionally by them. That's all that matters
That's the really scary thing about these monsters. They can come quick and strong and retreat just as fast. That's why you can find pictures of people who committed suicide taken just hours before they died where they are laughing and smiling. The monsters are just looking for an opening.
But anyway, fuck you, monsters who live inside my. My help, my team, my family they have my back even when they're not physically me. I've got a tiny wife who scares me when she's angry. My daughter is so smart that shes starting to be competitive when we watch jeopardy and a son who is a bull moose personified and has literally kicked down doors to smile at me. With that squad and a little help from me, these monsters inside me don't stand a fucking chance.
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